waiting for your answer.
waiting for your call
if i could hear you…

waiting for your answer
waiting for your call
if i could learn by waiting i could find you
i could feel the rhythm of the world

yet now i strive and hunger;
willfull, and still stiff necked
and still Reject, the task at hand.
instead i vainly fill and cloud my senses, so to quell the tension and the fear.

Waste my time and neither wait nor act,
nor find a place of rest in solitude

waiting i could hear you…
In the beating of: my own heart.
In the seeking of: my own part.

Now to wait, and be content in waiting
A conscious choice, i choose repose
reject a panicked action, or a pale… imitation
resist temptation to impress
I choose to wait and be content in waiting
so to fly, and run, and walk,
in due course.

2 Now the boy’s character was formless and empty, cynicism was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of God was hovering over the waster.
3 And God said, “Let there be courage,” and there was courage. 4 God saw that the courage was good, and He separated the courage from the cynicism. 5 God called the courage “hope,” and the darkness he called “despair.” And there was depression, and there was joy—the first character forming experience.

And the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy, for they saw that the LORD had called forth maturity from nothing and wisdom out of chaos, and they saw that it was very good, and they were amazed and delighted by the work of God’s hands

Dear God

I don’t believe in you any more.

Help.

Lots of love.

j>

So i’ve spent quite a lot of time on what follows, and even now it still doesn’t feel finished/right, but i’m gonna post it now anyway cos goodness knows it won’t make the slightest bit of sense to anyone who isn’t me in any case.

So why do i want to publish it, if it’ll be largely incomprehensible anyway, and why have i struggled so much to try to get it ‘right’*? I think because the experience of being at Greenbelt was important and profound and great fun and redemptive and joyful and free and i really, really needed that, and i really, really wanted to remember it, reminisce about it in a way that conveys that. To you, dear reader, of course, if possible. But mostly to myself.

Greenbelt this year made me feel accepted, connected, alive, excited and enthusiastic in a way that i don’t feel right now. I’m hoping by writing and re-reading this i’ll keep some of the grace and generosity and delight and subversive bloody-mindedness of the Greenbelt experience alive in me. I’m hoping that the presence of these things will help me to: a) continue to survive emotionally and spiritually, and b) continue to try and be a blessing to the people around me. I also hope it makes you laugh, and makes you curious about Greenbelt. Which is an experience not to be missed. See you there next year?

Here Goes:

In Heaven, it will be Yellow all the time… Wetting ourselves at the girls’ in-car dancing… Being informed by text message that you’re not smiling enough… 1 in 3 songs on Rob’s i-pod are cheerful**… Are you at Greenbelt and am I in fact sat right behind you?… I wrote a list of all the words I knew beginning with R… This song is all about self pity, which is the basis of much great art… Excellent use of the F-word in worship… Steve Chalke says don’t touch what you don’t have? Well we’ve all got nipples, Steve!… Staying in bed is a fire hazard – five people have already been forcibly removed from their tents, and will be paraded on the main stage in half an hour… The dawning realisation that, actually, everyone here is on the same side… They’ve run out of redemption***… I will be giving a sermon… Beer and lager, beer and lager, beer and lager til the break of day… The best Falafel in the WORLD… Legolas has a tambourine!… Where’s the Joy? I’m not feeling the Joooy-uh… Peeing on your own tent is a bit like shooting yourself in the foot… let them in m’lord, let them in, Oh Lord, beer and Hymns… The whole crowd goes mental for the casualty theme tune… Its not very ladylike, is it?… Maybe it doesn’t have to be Joy all the time; maybe it can be hope sometimes… The universe is stranger than you think… Bishop on a fag break… You’ve let me down, you’ve let your mother down, but most of all, you’ve let yourself down… But for you who fear my name… Sleep on the Left side keep your Sword Hand free… Late night banter and Greek Mythology… Redcar is the sunniest place in England… Genuine fellowship and refreshment… I’m feeling the Joy.

* Whatever that means
**For a given value of cheerful
***Which was annoying, because it was damn tasty

For the general benefit of society, the education of the readership(?!), and for my own future reference, please find herewithbelow an extensive list of synonyms for the rather feeble, paltry and pathetic english word, ‘nice’:

er…

….

erm…

Nice.

Thanks to Tom, who actually has friends, for giving this site a much needed shot in the arm last week by referencing my post on the BNP’s Jesus poster. Subsequent shock at receiving visitors, discussion with one of said visitors who actually commented (!) and reading of comments left on Tom’s post prompted deeper thought and even some actual research into both the BNP and the forthcoming European Elections. Today a friend from church emailed me and a bunch of others asking about the Christian Party – Christian Peoples Alliance, who are standing in the elections. I’m still sorting out a lot of this in my head, and still trying to get a grip on these matters (and your comments, experiences and links to further reading would be much appreciated), but i think i am prepared to say at least this much:

PLEASE VOTE ON THURSDAY!

ok, so here’s the disclaimer – i am terrible at voting. I am cynical and apathetic almost by nature but especially about the political process. I do feel powerless to make any real difference when my vote is just one in hundreds of thousands. i have been known to dismiss all but the westminster parliament as largely irrelevant, i generally feel pretty uninformed about the issues and i don’t feel that any of the parties are a close match to my views anyway, so why vote for them? So i’m not coming from a position of moral-high-ground handwringing judgementalism here. Its more that as i started to think about things and follow a few links last week, i’ve been inspired to change my views a little and i’d like to explain why.

First off it turns out that the European Parliament is responsible for making decisions on stuff i really care about, like issues of civil liberty and security, freedom of movement of people between states, energy and environmental policy, distribution of research grants and aid to the developing world, lots of issues around fair trade, provision of political asylum, criminal justice, freedom of speech and anti-discrimination laws… the list goes on. Interestingly, one very big issue that MEPs have no power over whatsoever is how Pro-europe or Eurosceptic their home countries are – they have no say over whether their countries ratify european treaties, join the single currency, agree to a european defence force… all those are issues the national parliaments decide on. So i’d advise people to vote for MEPs based on the important policy issues they do have the power to affect, rather than on the issues about european integration, which they cant influence at all.

Secondly, the Proportional Representation system used in these elections really changes my thinking on the effectiveness of my vote. The westminster parliament constituency i grew up in was generally thought of as a very safe seat. So it felt like my vote wouldn’t really change anything either way – the outcome was a foregone conclusion. On thursday, there is actually some potential for a close result – more than one outcome is possible. Suddenly, my tiny vote might actually help. Crucially, PR means that not only the votes for the “winner” count. In my region any voter block with between 15-20% of the vote will secure a representative. In some regions, any voter block of more than about 8-9% will get a representative. Also, the particular PR system used* means that even voting for a party with a very low share of the vote will have an effect on the percentage share of the vote the other parties recieve, and thus how the vote is divided, and thus who gets elected. Suddenly it seems like i have viable and meaningful options for my vote, and that might vote might actually contribute something to the outcome. Its no longer irrelevant.

Thirdly i found this, which helped me to quickly find out which of the (6 or 7 biggest) parties that i clould elect would most closely represent my views. (note – don’t rely on the graph at the end to decide which party you’re closest to – play around with the options on the right as the graph can be misleading)

I have to confess i’m actually getting excited about voting on thursday. I want to get this up quickly, so i’ll write more about the elections and the BNP and the Christian Party and other matters if i get the chance, but for now i just wanted to share my thinking about simply voting.

If you’re registered to vote, you should have received a postal vote or a poll card telling you where your polling station is. If not look on the electoral commision website below, type in your postcode and look for the heading that says “Your electoral registration office” – the phone number there should put you through to someone who can help.

Info from the electoral commission here

Info on the situation in your constituency here (click on your region in the menu on the left. Its then worth scrolling down to the comments at the bottom)

*The D’hondt method. Can’t speak for the rest of Europe, but they’re using this system in all the constituencies in the UK except Northern Ireland (using Single Transferable Vote there). Completely irrelevant fact discovered whilst researching this: there is an individual called Ian Parsley standing for election in NI. This amused me greatly.

Excuse the lack of content over recent weeks. Abnormal service will hopefully be resumed from here on in. Maybe. Its been an odd few weeks. Maybe i’ll write about it if i ever work out in my own head what “it” actually is. In the meantime, here’s something rather more trivial to get me back in the habit of updating this.

I’m aware that at present there’s actually more stuff about the insects on this here site than there is about my own team. Which, given that we won the league last week and that they finished, what, seventh?* is frankly a bit ridiculous.

So this is just a quick and badly written note to say i hope that we beat Leinster (no, read it again) this afternoon and thus retain our status as the Man Utd of Rugby Union (except without the supporter base in Surrey). It should be a good game and i’m looking forward to it. As an added bonus i’m in Leicester this weekend so i’ll get to watch the match in the pub (rather than enduring wall to wall coverage of a certain pansyball team attempting to survive the drop**) and there should be a good atmosphere. I’ll let you know how it goes.

*i was almost pleased Northampton won yesterday, cos it meant wasps won’t play in the Heineken Cup next year.

** in all seriousness, i hope the Magpies stay up. I haven’t checked the scores yet, so i’ve no idea if the Toon’s gonna be in mourning when i get back.

So after wandering the streets of Heaton for almost exactly a year, this morning was our Church Community’s first gathering back home after the completion of some pretty major building work. We celebrated.

LOUDLY.

And with balloons. =]

renewed baloons

It was lots of fun. It was great to experience the truth that our King loves a party – that He often gives good gifts of Joy and celebration to His people. I like it when that happens

Our church community is so blessed by our creator to be called his children and to be given these new facilities: Two bits from the written heritage i enjoy as a follower of Jesus sprang to mind today: Where God blesses Abraham, so that he can be a blessing to others. And where Paul of Tarsus shares his heart with the church community in Philippi

To meet together and eat together with my family in a “renewed building, for a renewed people, in a new day” was fantastic. Taste and see that God is good. Amen.

Obviously having never managed or played for the Lions, or indeed any Rugby team of any kind, ever, i am clearly far more qualified than Ian McGeechan will ever be to pick the Lions team, so:

What has Vickery done in the last 3 years to merit inclusion?

Should have taken Croft and omitted Shaw and Quinlan, thus creating space for, oh, i don’t know, maybe an alternative at Fly-Half so the squad aren’t committed to one style of play before they even leave. Hook or Flood or Nicky Robinson or Vesty (yes i’m biased) or even if you’re desperate, Cips, but someone. Need that option to keep the oppo guessing if nothing else. And where’s the plan B?

Armitage and D’Arcy desperately unlucky. Arguably, R Jones also (instead of Powell). Loose Earls (who?) and Fitgerald (although he’s a worthy Lion, we have an embarrassment of riches in the three-quarters and do we really need 5 wings + Kearney more than an in form Full Back who also plays Centre. Think Armitage deserved to go)

Think there’s a good variety of options at Scrum half, pleased to see Ellis in there. Would have picked Blair this time last year, but he didn’t shine in the Six Nations so fair enough.

The outside backs are amazing but the 10-12 channel is a cause for concern and if we fail there it doesn’t matter who’s outside. Up front do we have the grunt in the front three? And whilst the Locks especially and the Back Row are an impressive bunch, their opponents are phenomenal. Its gonna be exciting to see if they can step up to the plate. I only hope that if they do, Stephen Jones and Flutey can do something with the resultant possession that doesn’t involve aimless kicking and/or getting smashed into little pieces by the Saffs.

Recent / news would indicate there’s every chance I’ll be able to watch my hometown team at St. James’ Park next season, if i’m still living in Newcastle then.

How to be a big club in one easy lesson?

Find a smaller pond

Props for the humorous concept, but in the end it was a missed opportunity for a gag about Chelsea Tractors if ever i saw one.