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Rooters, Sat 27 June 2010

NHS officials today admitted they were still unable to pinpoint the underlying medical causes of the pandemic that swept the country last Wednesday, as reports from Portugal suggested that the outbreak of fevers, nausea, migraines and other short term, self certifiable symptoms had spread to the Iberian peninsula around lunchtime yesterday.

A spokesperson for the GMC expressed concern that, whilst most of the symptoms associated with wednesday’s outbreak had cleared up by Thursday (with the exception of many reporting ‘blinding headaches’ thursday morning), it is common for the initial outbreak of a pandemic to be followed by a ‘second, more powerful wave’ of symptoms after a short fallow period.

This has certainly been the experience of French and Italian medics in the last week, who, after dealing with the intitial outbreak, have reported an re-occurence of what media pundits are referring to as “The Fever”. Worryingly, reports from these countries suggest that this secondary outbreak of ‘largely flu-like symptoms’ have been accompanied by an alarming increase in uncharacteristic extremes of emotion, anger and low mood amongst sufferers there.

The spokesperson suggested that, whilst the NHS handled the initial crisis well, a second, more serious wave could stretch the service to breaking point, especially with many medical staff amongst those affected. Experts are predicting that, if a second wave does hit the country, it is likely to arrive on Sunday afternoon, he added. Meanwhile, NHS scientists are reported to be puzzled by the relatively much lower instances of The Fever in Scotland and Wales, with a particularly significant drop off between highly affected Newcastle-upon-Tyne and the Scottish Borders just an hour away.

The Fever has caused controversy in religious circles, with some extremists from a number of faiths claiming that it is God’s judgement on Europe’s decadent, lazy and celebrity obsessed culture. This view has been rejected by mainstream religious leaders, however, who have largely agreed that, should God feel the need to mete out vengeance and exercise His wrath, the effect would probably be somewhat more profound than “a few runny noses”. Similarly, conflict over The Fever rages in the feminist movement, with some Women’s rights activists claiming that The Fever is acting in a discriminatory manner by affecting a significantly larger number of men than women, whilst other feminist leaders and academics have condemned those women falling victim to this ‘glorified manflu’ as ‘traitors to the sisterhood’.

In the midst of the crisis, the government has taken decisive action, announcing that they will likely hold a full, independent enquiry, and that a further statement would be made around 5pm BST on Sunday. Or closer to 6pm if it goes to penalties.

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4 Comments

  1. Heh, that’s a work of genius, my friend.
    Shame I discovered it a month too late.
    I’m thinking of retiring from this writing lark…

  2. “Similarly, conflict over The Fever rages in the feminist movement, with some Women’s rights activists claiming that The Fever is acting in a discriminatory manner by affecting a significantly larger number of men than women, whilst other feminist leaders and academics have condemned those women falling victim to this ‘glorified manflu’ as ‘traitors to the sisterhood’.”

    absolute classic!!!!!

  3. Thanks Dennis, glad you enjoyed it. Love the amazing photography on your blog, far more vibrant than this one – mine looks a bit drab really. Sorry that i didn’t get to meet you at greenbelt and thank you for your kind words in person. Maybe next year?

  4. Timbo you can’t retire – not now you’re a published author and all. Think of that burgeoning readership left all bereft and alone. Also, i’d cry if you stopped =[


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