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These are my demands:

I want to know what it is that i want

i want to be sure of what i believe. i want to have confidence.

i want to be surprised by friendship, by love dawning on me whilst i’m busy doing stuff. I don’t want to demand it or be desperate for it – i want the joy of unexpectedly discovering it naturally occuring as i throw myself at life; at relating to the people around me.

i want there to be reasons for people to think well of me. i want to have people around me who affirm and encourage me, and who genuinely enjoy spending time with me. i want to be part of a community of people who delight in one another. i want to give people reasons to delight in me, affirm me and enjoy spending time with me.

i want to trust people. Trust that they like me. trust that they’re honest with me. trust that they won’t reject me.

i want not to think about myself so much.

i want not to worry. i want not to worry about myself. i want not to worry about what i want.

i want not to notice what i want cos i’m just busy helping other people get what they want. I want to know that if i could really help someone else get what they want, i would enjoy it so much that i wouldn’t need to want anything else. I want to be completely satisfied by the enjoyment of helping other people.

i want to be free of addiction, depression, despair, demotivation. I want the energy to do what i want to do, and i want the things that i do to energise and excite me, so as i can’t wait to do them.

i want to succeed – i want to do things well so that i can take pleasure from a job well done. i want to be pleased with the results of my labour. i want to meet a challenge head-on and master it, complete it, enjoy it and overcome it. I want to celebrate it and celebrate the completion of it. i want to be free of the frustration of words and actions and hopes and dreams and love unspoken, unfinished or unrealised.

i want to be at peace with myself and i want to be at peace with my surroundings.

You know what i want? I want to be home.

I want to be home. i want be home and to love my home. i want to belong.

i want heaven, basically. Heaven is what i want.



  1. Fascinating stuff. I bet you wrote “I want” so much it started to sound funny in your head.

    I have a mate who blogs on “yearning for home” over at Mome’s Home. You should check him out.

  2. heh, i bet you’ve just read it so much it feels funny in yours. I have indeed followed links from your blog to Mome’s and i heartily recommend them both to my reader.

    This post, as so many of the good things in life, had its genesis in a conversation in a pub. I was expressing dissatisfaction with myself and my life to my good friend Timbo (whose short stories should be required reading for all – one good recommendation deserves another). Tim said i should write about what i wanted my life to be like instead and this is the result.

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